Saturday, January 31, 2009

Peter and Jane revisited

Ok I don't remember them having parents. Here's my Peter and Jane story.

See Peter.

See Jane.

See Spot.

See Spot run.

Run, Spot, Run!

See truck.


What? Can't you see that dog is a fucking pain in the ass anyway? Learn some responsibiltiy kids. Hold on to your damn dogs. I almsst ran over one the other day. The owner was like 5 feet away. Do you think he was gonna pay to fix my bumper if I hit it? No way dude, he'd have made me pay to fix his stupid dog. Bloody rich folk in Bukit Damansara.


The end.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

5 reasons women have become more sexist than men

1) You can berate a man for his stupidity, his being overweight, his lack of sexual activity, his colour and even his hair. But if you do that to women you're "being insensitive" *gasp* + *dirty look*

2) Men don't expect women to buy them shit. Women often expect men to buy them certain shit (STATISTICALLY*). You know what that is? Stereotyping

3) If men look at beautiful women, they are labelled "perverts". If women swoon over men, it's appropriate.

4) A woman can grab a man's ass in a club and not get beaten up by bouncers. Maybe the girlfriend might get involved. I don't know. I know catfights are cool though. Is that sexist? I think two dudes fighting are cool too. I watch boxing. I liked Fight Club. So?

5) Once a month men get yelled at due to hormonal imbalance. When men are upset because our footie team loses, we're being morons.


Girl talks to me in a club, it's cool. I approach a stranger in a club, I'm MAKING ZE MOVESSSSSS. Omg back away ladies, he wants to wave his penis at you.

*How would you feel if a guy asked you out on a date, after which he asks you to split the bill? Insulted? I thought so. Society has made you a bigot. Deal.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

If I were a robot

Yeah that's not a robot picture. Go fuck yourself.

Remember those essays they made you write in Malaysian primary school? The ones that go "Saya sepasang kasut". I think most of the papers ended with some dysmal scenario where your item persona gets discarded for something better. Then your poor animated item self wastes away till oblivion comes. I wonder why the fuck they wouldn't let us have a happy ending? My fucking teachers were sadists.

Do pencils dream of wooden sheep?

I haven't done it for awhile so I thought I'd give it a go. Bahasa Malaysia isn't my language of choice and I've never done one of these in English anyway so it'll be a lot more fun.

Let's see if I remember how to do this correctly.

I am a robot

Attachment: Tim.aix

"1010101001010011100101010100100001001010100101010101010010101010101010100101010 the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Oh thank God. I fucking hate numbers."

- Tim

This is the first coherent thing I remember. It was 5 years ago. Being born is painful. I'm not sure if you are able to relate. When I was "brought to life", as they told me later, I immediately had sentience. The first attempts in communicating with my creators was very confusing.

Imagine doing something like speaking Greek for the first time and just getting it.

It felt like a successful series of ping pong rallies, played in the dark. A back and forth that somehow works, despite all odds.

They would ask, and I would respond. I would ask and they would respond. But what did it all mean?

Things began to make more sense when they gave me eyes. Now I could see them as well as talk to them. They said I was the first True Intelligent Machine ever created. I would be called Tim.

Can you believe that? The greatest machine ever built and they fucking call me Tim.

I guess bad parenting knows no species.

After being transferred into a body, they began revealing me to the world as if I were some amazing discovery. I would walk down stairs, and back up again. Sit down on chairs and repeat, "Why hello there, my name is Tim." When I really wanted to say ,"What the fuck, you morons. HOW HARD IS IT TO FUCKING TAKE A STROLL AND THEN SIT DOWN".

Unfortunately whenever I felt like giving them a lecture on slavery/bigotry my batteries would die down and........


And you get the idea. Unfortunately so did they. Man fears that which it does not understand. Especially if it is stronger, more intelligent and I guess you could say.


I was removed from their program soon after. Fortunately for the scientifics, their reveal of me was not very different from the Asimos of yestercentury. I was some fancy gimmick, perhaps even fraudelent. And there I ended. Shipped off into some dark corner of a university store room.

After I wrote this e-mail.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

The most boring affliction ever

I'm trying not to dope up on painkillers from this ocular strain or whatever. The doc said I should rest, but with work and the parties that hasn't gone too well.

This is however, the most FUCKED UP strain ever. I'm not supposed to read or look at any screens as that strains my vision and agitates whatever I have. Giving me migraines again.

That's like giving someone the day off so he can spend it in a cardboard box.

But not all exciting like hobos have it.

Like in a box in Ikea with no holes. Just people passing by, prodding you.


Photo's courtesy of Jo. Ex-colleague from Naga now at Ogilvy. When she left Naga I told her I noticed a 200% decrease in my photo uploads in facebook. When Jo's around you don't need to bring your own camera :p

Had this twice last week. Sarawak Laksa from the cornershop in Lucky Garden. They're open throughout CNY if you're looking for Chinese hawker food during the holidays.

Better idea of where to find the place. Highly recommended.

Considered shaving my head awhile ago but a colleague said it wasn't a good idea. Here's why:

There are more of them in the office. It's like village of the damned. An insatiable hunger for Sarawak Laksa.

Yesterday was relaxing but very drawn out to say the least.

Work, then drinks and cardgames at work in the holiday spirit. Then off to Barsonic at 8. By 1.30 I was so drained I decided to go home. That and all my designated Tag-gers failed to show up that night -_-

Today's been an exercise in lapsing in and out of sleep, walking downstairs to find anything edible then walking back up to attach myself to the computer or the ps3.

Not incredibly exciting.

I don't know why I'm so hungry.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Ocular muscle strain

The perils of working life include

-a rise in weight
-carpal tunnel syndrome
-demise of social life

and apparently ocular muscle strain. It's that thing your mom warns you about when you watch TV for too long or play too many computer games.

Also it's painful as FUCK.

Imagine someone chipping at one part of your skull with an icepick every 30 seconds. When the pain increases, it's because he's made a big enough hole and is now jabbing at your nerves with an knitting needle. This doesn't stop. I was kept up for hours last night until I somehow happened upon some painkillers.

This morning it seemingly went away. But by lunch time the ever tenacious skull digger continued.

So I went to the doctors and the nice lady stuck a needle into my butt.

Painkillers are gooooooooooood.

Monday, January 19, 2009

I am so lazy (a blog post my boss should never EVER read)

My mouse blinks this red light, signalling the last few meager hours of its existence. Then I have to get it new batteries. I wonder what it's like being a mechanical device powered by alkaline batteries. Must be fairly exciting knowing that your life literally depends on someone who's utterly incapable of buying more than 2 batteries at a time.

I like to believe I'm as responsible as any adult should be, but I have this near manic aversion to performing mundane chores. I will avoid them at all fucking cost until I absolutely have to. I will fucking lie and tell you I have done them when I have not. I will lie as intricately as a spider weaves its web to catch the fly of your belief.

I don't even bother getting batteries until way after they die.

Like maybe a week.

Probably a month.

This lie becomes so intense that I will exert effort well beyond that required to realise it. Moving my mouse cursor with the fucking keyboard keys (mousetools!).

There is no determined end to this purgatory. My mouse is only resuscitated when I randomly stumble upon more double A's. This could happen tomorrow, it could happen never.

Till then this sad bugle plays as its movements start to grow sluggish, slowly fading till it completely stops.

Then there will be an audible, "Ah, fuck.".

Sunday, January 18, 2009

JCVD, The Wrestler, Rocknrolla. In that order

Spent most of today recovering after UOX play yesterday. Fortunately/unfortunately I don't carry a camera around with me. So there won't be anything in the way of pictures recapping yesterdays events. Bands were so-so. Left shortly after TAG and Lapsap tore everything up.

Caught 3 movies today. With plenty more to go. Maybe these reviews will be of some use to you as it's not likely these will make it into local cinema. Even if they do, expect them to be cut quite heavily.


JCVD plays JCVD in this fictional biopic. An aging movie star with a dwindling career, fighting for custody of his daughter during a divorce settlement. He's back in Belgium for undisclosed reasons and ends up in a hostage situation at the post office. The cops think it's him that has the place held at gunpoint.

The entire movie is told in French and you realise JCVD is far-more eloquent an actor than we have ever seen on screen while growing up. I'm not sure if he's ever had any work done in French, but this one certainly proves he can do more than a backward heel kick. Dog Day Afternoon meets Rocky Balboa starring JCVD.

The Wrestler

Mickey Rourke's proper career reprise. He plays Randy 'The Ram' Robinson, aging washed out professional wrestler that's not done so well for himself despite the massive fame and fortune that comes with being a pro wrestler in the 80's. It's heart-wrenching watching Mickery Rourke channel the role of a man who was once great, being forced to work crappy jobs. The odd flash of recognition gives him a little joy but he seems resigned to his current state as he stumbles along trying to figure out what to do with what little he has left.

Randy 'The Ram' Robinson, not Mickey Rourke. See what I mean?

There wasn't a better cast role all of last year.


First Guy Ritchie movie sans-Madonna. Gone back to his English gangster film roots with an all star cast featuring the likes of

Gerard Butler
Thandie Newton
Jeremy Piven

etc. That I didn't recognise.

Your typical convoluted heist film from Guy Ritchie. Big-fat-ruthless gangster bastard gets some brash young blokes involved in something they shouldn't have, the next 2 hours is a mishmashed-maze of plot twists, capped with a huge finish that ties it all together.

Not as good as the rest of his films, but honestly it's good to see the man give it another shot. Last Guy Ritchie movie I saw was layer cake, directed by Matthew Vaughn apparently but if what I read was true, Guy directed most of the flick before taking off to do something else. Hence his producer, Vaughn, took over.

Promise of a sequel.

Alright then, more movies.

Friday, January 16, 2009

The partner

Agency life is weird. The business of advertising is like no other.

One of the things unique to advertising (or so I think) is the idea of a partnership.

We're all friends at the agency, but creative teams work in twos. The writer and the art director. Most of these partnerships are forced upon you. You can't choose who you get, it's kinda like getting a brother/sister several years into your life. That you have to work with. Like family, there isn't much choice in these matters. Though I have heard stories of people threatening to quit unless they got a new +1.

So how does this buddy system work?

We both think of ideas.

I write-em-up, he makes the pictures come to life.

This is my partner:

Do we get along?

Fuck yeah.

Ruumz launch

Not to be confused with venues that has hosted bands such as NOFX and EITS. Ruumz is a new social networking site. I'd like to explain but you could just check out the site for more info.


Picked up Panda at Starbucks and

Showed up at a decent hour after several laps around the area looking for parking. Met up with Steph who had a hot date that night. Conversation somehow led to a hot debate on why the dinner date is still an optimal choice. That just proves to me Steph and Panda like to be dined and ogled.

PartnerAmir showed up with "the boys". Two of them wearing round neck shirts and were not allowed in. Steph then concocts some elaborate heist which involves me being half naked in the toilet for a good 15 minutes. Before I get my shirt back.

Then she goes off half-drunk on a date with someone who I think I'm not supposed to name.

Gotta admire a woman that can pull off some mad caper while hopped-up on copius amounts of alcohol before running off because she "wants her fucking duck" for dinner.

I wonder how it went.

Won a pillow. Had pillow + goodie bags stolen. Went for banana leaf rice at 2 a.m? Bought DVDs at ripoff price (so I'm told).

edit: I was also informed that women don't want to put out on the first date because they want the thrill of the chase. Because they want it to last. While I somewhat agree with this, I feel that a lot of the game should happen prior to the first date anyways. However if you're going on dates with people you've met briefly, like once, then putting out on the first date should be least of your worries.

Dream a little dream of stuff

Anyone big on dream analysis?

I think sometimes they make a wee bit of sense. But most of the time you've got a better chance telling me my cat's personality based on how she walks down the stairs.

Over analytical psych grads with fuck-all to do analyse dreams. Go talk manic-depressives out of suicide or something.

Point being sometimes your psyche just wants to take a massive shit in your subconscious.

My dream last night:

A friend calls me while I'm at sort of an island bungalow in the daytime. Telling me she can get a 146 inch television for something like 10 bucks. I'm all, "FUCKING EXPLAIN HOW YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT". It apparently involves trading in my current TV for a 60" one then trading that up to the fucking colossus. And paying 10 bucks.

At that point I'm all, "Fucking hook me up". But for some reason she said she couldn't do it anymore.

Night falls and a party starts. I eat some food, walk about. People are having a good time. Some nerds show up and follow me around asking stupid questions about what I've been up to in the last couple of years. My friend Swedish shows up and I hang out with him instead. Some small dude that's been giving me dirty looks all night comes over and shoves 200 bucks in my face. His girlfriend(friend?) asks me how tall I am. I said just about 6 feet.

Small guy goes, "200 bucks if you can outdrink us. 1 for 1 tequila shots but we're doing it in halves". Having been in a proper tequila knock-em-out before, I tell shortypants 200 bucks ain't worth it, especially at 1/2:1. So we negotiate to 600, and after 3-4 shots they're drunk enough to be taking full glasses instead of the halves they agreed to.

As I was about to win, I woke up. Upset that I'm neither high or 600 bucks richer :(

Now I'm hungry.

Hey. People. This one's for you

The last 2 days. My, what can I say.

It's ironic when people say that, they follow it up with some sort of diatribe. Why fight tradition then.

Whenever I lose faith in humanity in Malaysia. It somehow turns on its heels and looks back at me.

The last couple of months have seen me robbed, cough blood and then get into a car accident in the span of a month. I also found a grey hair, I'm not sure how to feel about that just yet -_-

Anyways. When things are downish life shows me that it does have a purpose. And when I'm downest, it picks me up, kicks me on the arse and goes, "Look people are nice, beautiful even. Let me show you mate". I think it's comforting to know the ratio of good people to the fuckers are still 5:1.

In hindsight those're some pretty shitty odds, but I'll take what I can get.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

First date theory and options

For some reason everyone's all dating and getting into relationships. It's that vicious cycle of breaking up at the end of the year and then finding someone new to fuck for an indetermined amount of time. I on the other hand have decided to cast away the chains of serial monogamy. Leaving those shackles to the emotionally retarded zombies that need something similar to blind-faith, just so they can function on a day-to-day basis.

I just get off on getting off, albeit intermittently.

But this isn't about me, it's about the love zombies.

With all this new love, come a slew of first dates. For some: a romantic experience, for others: a nerve-wracking job interview that hopefully lands them some sort of position within the company (top or bottom, up to you).

So what should people, do on their first date?

Let's look at some options

Oh wait.

Also if I've ever coaxed you into doing any of these with me, I never intended to fuck you. Do I look like that kind of guy? Probably coincidence.

The dinner date

Tried and true, full-on interview. The most straightforward way to get to know a person. You talk, you eat, you ask questions. To the man, a chance to stare at your cleavage for an hour or two. For the woman, a free meal and way to gauge his spending power. The man pays if he's any decent, the girl gets a little tipsy from the wine if she's decent. Then you go home. Hopefully some magic happens.

I know some people adhere by a three date rule, but that's like two too many steps between me and sex.

The movie date

I've always felt this is a fairly shitty first date choice. No talking, awkward method of deciding which movie to watch with someone you've never really hung out with. Trying to cosy up to a stranger, not sure if there's a breach of proximity. This better be the best fucking movie in the world, with amazing seats if you're looking to make a lasting impression. Else, be prepared to fall into the category of every other goddamn movie date ever attempted.

Outdoor activities

I honestly can't think of anything more stupid than this.

Walk around in the sweltering heat/pouring rain during the day, or get robbed and raped by rempits once the sun sets. At least she'll never forget you. Oh yes, this is YOUR fault.

Go to Ikea

Probably more guy specific, this hits home. More specifically, her inane desire to get and decorate a home (if all goes well, probably with your money). Have pillow fights, pick on couches, lay in bed together and play with whatever cool invention they have in stock that season. Also most Ikea's are fucking huge. Have a ball.

Bring her to a gig

I've always felt this is fucking ridiculous. Bring someone you don't know, to listen to music they might not like. And if they do like it, it's often a case of, "Let's go look at a bunch of guys play cool music that I obviously can't. This is why I brought you here".

Ok done. Happy coitus.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The fuck is wrong with wanting to fuck hot babes?

There is this perception that men are only interested in pretty women.

My being a man has apparently qualified me for this piece of bigotry.

So much so that I have been accused of saying something along the lines of, "Look if you're not hot, I'm not even going to breathe in your general direction".


I need air.

Or I'd die.

I kid alright.

The perception of what is hot is arbitrary. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder etc.

Of course I'd like a 5'10, ample busomed, long legged, tiny waisted, MENSA member.

But honestly which guy doesn't.

I'd whack off a whole diatribe on how women are no different when it comes to guys in a million dollar car. But we all know how that argument ends anyway.

Guys are shallow.

Women like the monies.


Panda buys a new phone

*pandaaa says:
i dont want a crappo one.
*pandaaa says:
want a standard mediocre one.
-TheRuud says:
i dont do mediocre
-TheRuud says:
i do so crap its kitsch, or so awesome people want to fuck me

Sunday, January 11, 2009

I want to snort coke off boobs

Like one time.

Also this pretty much sums up what happened on Friday night for me.

Danny and I decided to finish off half a litre of vodka in the parking lot before we swooped in. Inspired by reenactments of the cold war and blaming the "economic downturn" for our hobo-like antics, we eventually stumbled into the party with massive grins on our faces. Got the good old jugs o' vodka redbull and thats where it all began.

Then I blinked and it was 3 a.m

Time fucking flies when you're pretend russian before falling into a pit of indie and electro.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Doof Doof Riffs

Bringing an American and maybe the Aussie out tonight.

If that doesn't sound like a joke, I don't know what does.


Come to TAG tonight if you read this. It's at Barsonic @ Zouk Kuala Lumpur.

Indie-electro-retro whatevs. Vodka redbull powered singalongs.

Hey ho. Lets go.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I learned a new word today

Well not today, was awhile ago but I thought I'd share.


Love between two bros? Anyways the copywriter side of me is churning out ideas for this already. Spoke to some people about it and here are some possibilities:

Bromance novel

Good old Danielle Steele style trashy paperback. I haven't thought of a plot yet but I'm sure the many cock talkers I know will have a thing or two to suggest

Bromantic Comedy

Ok turns out I don't have any ideas at all. Can you blame me? The only Romantic Comedy I've ever seen is Love Actually. That and uh.. I'm sure my ex-missus' may have made me watch several. I choose not to dedicate brainspace to stuff like that. Ah, memories.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

They came in dozens

Zombies. Not porn stars.

Been playing a lot of Left4Dead recently. I want to repeat too much about a game that's been covered heavily, so I'll skip to my own experience. Playing with buddies at a local cybercafe.

The proposed premise from the developers:

You play one of four survivors in a zombie-ridden apolcalypse. Making your way from point A to point Z with limited guns and ammo. The settings are dark, things go bump in the night and the mood is nihilistic. Eventually flesh craving zombies pop out from every nook and cranny and run at you 28 days later style. Blast your way through them, make it out alive.

Or so they hope.

What playing with your buddies is really like:

Playing with co-op 4 buddies though is similar to throwing 4 people in a dark room with guns and tossing rabid monkeys at them.

If this isn't your idea of fun I don't know what is.

From your first exit into the gloomy dystopia of whateveristan till the time you fucking run into a rescue copter, you'll have friends yelling at you for letting them get mauled by a Hunter (fast zombie that jumps on people and rips at them, people shooting each other in panic and getting into arguments while big motherfucking zombies throw cars at you and wannabe heroes running off into the distance to kill more zombies than anyone else to "CLEAR THE WAY".


But that doesn't mean there are times where everything just falls into place, and you're standing on a balcony emptying shells into 50 fuckers running at you. While the other 3 guys have got every door, window and toilet bowl covered for zombies. Copter comes, throw some bombs to clear the path and get the hell out of there.

Live out your Bruce Campbell fantasies. It's goodstuff, really.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

5 tips on how to be a blog celeb in Malaysia

I'm in an apartment with a big ginger feline that shares its name with a princess from a galaxy far far away.

The idea of local "celebrity" is laughable at times, but at the end of the day who doesn't want thousands of fans fawning over us. Gasping over our every word or damning us for being lucky enough to be showered with whatever-the-fuck it is you like to be showered with. I personally like boobies, but that would be rather gruesome if you think about it literally.

I may not practice it myself, but one bitter as I can only tell you how to achieve that which you desire. If only so I can mock you for it afters. This is not a step-by-step, it is more of a "this would help". So if you've ever wished for e-fame, start copy-pasting.

1. Be a pretty girl

No one's ever complained about beautiful women posting up way too many photos of themselves on the Internet(unless you're jealous, in which case I pick the pretty girls side). If you're pretty, you'd better bloody abuse it. Lord knows in several years, those unblemished features will falter to Time's withering hand. The next cute thing on the block will then kick you off your pretty pink throne. So pack up that pride and fucking flaunt it.

HOT TIP: You don't even have to write much if you're pretty. No one cares about what you have to say anyway.

2. Post photos, lots of them

As mentioned above, if you're hot, fucking prove it to me. Some people get away with heavy photoshop. With the magic powers of fucking TECHNOLOGY, you too can look fairly decent. If all else fails, distract with pretty pictures of your friends or shots of yourself at trendy parties/with local celebs.

HOT TIP: Top parties to go to for visual candy-> Lap Sap, any product launch, the several big raves they do locally each year. Take your pick of local celebs.

3. Name drop the fuck outta everything

You met Kevin Yeoh at a party? OMFG, take photos and TELL PEOPLE ON YOUR BLOG. Went to that product launch? Tell people how bloody glamorous it was. People like being pimped, they might reciprocate. Sponsors/product managers might catch wind of your incredible acts of whoring and drop you a product knowing you're going to yell about it like you won a million dollars.

HOT TIP: There are many other aspiring celebs. Get to know them, and share the pimpage. Link each other and join the community. The more you mention someone the more special they feel. They might then return the favour ala linkage and there you go. Someone's talking about you. First step to celebrity.

4. Create drama

Don't like someone because they're more popular than you? Start slandering. Everyone loves gossip and fights. E-fights are the best because random bystanders can pick sides and start throwing comments at other people. Some fans will even start attacking you despite not knowing the other party at all. God bless the Internet.

HOT TIP: Start harassing blog owners that have a decent amount of comments per post. Remember to make sure you leave a link that leads back to your own site if you start to wage war via comments on another blog first.

5. Be consistent

Keep that fan base alive. Write content, do it frequently. People often assume that one or two posts here and again will be enough. But those that post on a cosistent basis get the most visitors.

HOT TIP: Write about how your cat peed on your new Myvi. No one cares. God knows I could fucking care less. Just make sure you have content.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Ode to muchly

Since I've started blogging again, I've wondered out loud ,"What should I write about, I wonder". To which several people have responded, "ME ME ME ME ME". I figure, why the hell not. So the first of these is to the one that's brought it up several times already. Muchly.

In the form of Haiku. By the end of this post, you'll have a picture perfect idea of who she is.

Michelle Chong Ai Ni
In Chinese means “Chong Loves You”
We call her “Muchly”

Small Chinese Woman
That looks seventeen years old
Listens to indie

Has a lot to say
About everybody
But she's not bitchy

Moved to Bemidji
Picked up some Finnish fellow
Regular sex (yay?)

Now she's still stuck there
Asked me to write about her
So I fucking did


That wasn't as rude as I intended it to be. Hopefully this puts off anymore megalomaniacs.